Anakin Skywalker
Anakin Skywalker, A.K.A. M'annequin Shithead Walker', Annie, Ani, Waaanikin, Weenieman, He Who Hates Sand, That Bland Guy, The Chosen Whine, Anadin, Skywanker, The Emo One, The Chosen One who Cries or Cry Me A River was a legendary, very tall whiny hippie Jedi. Before he was eaten and creamed by Darth Vader, he was the best star pilot in the galaxy and a good friend of Obi-Wan Kenobi. He was also the biggest asshole in the Jedi Order, had ever seen in over 9000 years. His emotions and shit run like a mighty penis down his pudgy, scarred face. He was so whiny that he didn't have a father! His seven foot ass, Shmi Skywalker, had relations with the Force or that one cute Muun, Darth Plague the Hippie, who could use the Force to influence the Midi-chlorian penis cells... to create life. George Lucas God first created Anakin Skywalker way, way back when at the Subway of time. At the time of the Prequels, Anakin was a young emotional little ninny living with his ass in the sandy planet of Tatooine. He was found by Accordion Man, er... Qui-Gon Jinn and brought back to the Jetti Temple to become a Jetti. Yoda was not amused with young butthole Skywalker. Even the bald man sitting next to Yoda wasn't constipated by the little moron. I doubt his ass even loved him he was so sexy. Though as time went on, and on, Obi-Wan Kenobi trained Anakin to become a bending, flexible emotional horny Accordion who cared for nothing but his future butt-ugly wife Padmé Amidala, aka Panda Bear. The two had relations in Panda Bear's homeworld of Nabooboo when his butt-ugly girlfriend was receiving emo threats by the awesome, loving MANDALORIAN!! Bounty Hunter Jangy Fett. Much, much later the two got married and were eating in the that one retarded war. Anakin received a Padawan by Yoda himself, and the two began the Whinny Bitch Club. No Soup-a With-a Buffet, or "Ahsoka Tano", who was also a ninnious emotional butthole (thanks God for this great pairing!), fought alongside with Anakin and the two of them pissed until she died in that comedy show about the war. Anakin had problems. A lot of problems. As you can see, he had a sexy life. First his ass died... I mentioned that right? Then his sweet, loving, butt-ugly wife Panda Bear is going to crap from penisbirth!! Anakin must save his penis shaver cupons so the two of them can have unhairy penises, or else Anakin's crap will stink like the mighty poo. That one confused old man told Annie about Darth Plague and he could learn the 600,000,000,000,000th power that created him, the ninnious emotional flexible Accordion Skywalker. When all this was happening, Obi-Wan should have kissed him but that would only make matters worse, much worse. If he laid one finger on his pudgy face, well... SSSSHHHIIITTT!!... Erm... Well... He once CRAPPED ON Count Dookie for a Milky Way bar. Anakin is obviously a Dark Jedi (Elmo). He is so EMO that he is cutting his booty in public, hence his scar. Fortunately that's all true and soon he fought his dick in the smelly,shit-infested world of Mufasa because the Press Club Buffet threaten to destroy his planet. Anakin lost... He pissed, and ate, and killed when Obi-Wan sliced off his nose and one eyelash. He ate so much that 1,00,00,00,000000 old confused women had to go kill him while Obi-Wan left to steal his butt-ugly wife, who later died. Damn, why do the ugly ones get killed? But, come on... How could a ninnious, flexible tall horny Accordion turn into the most badass Sith Accordion Man Lord ever, Darth Vader? Well, he didn't. So suck it. Biography The Phantom Tears Birth of the Tall, whiny emotional horny teenager The true story of Little Jedi Annie... Anakin Skywalker never made it into the holonet. After his mom, Shmi had a "crazy wild" night with some "dude", she later called "the Force or somethin." Little did she know that was his porn name. She suddenly felt something in her belly and it wasn't gas, actually it was Annies first tantrum. It was established that that crazy f'ing Muun or that one confused old man who can't control his penis had relations with Shmi.Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Tears After going to the doctor he said she was to get a baby. You see, George Lucas God wanted to confuse the fuck out of his audiences in theaters, so he said the Force can knock up bitchy women. He never bought the "Force" thing, and considered her a freak. Watto, a desperate horny guy, single and with loads of cash, couldn't marry anyone (or anything) so he bought a woman... with a kid, Anakin Skywalker. Not bad of a deal, or so he thought.Because George Lucas said so. It was evident the kid was special! In the worse possible way! So when some hippie Jedi came, some guy called Why Gone Gin? (a booze abuser), who happens to be Liam Neeson... Dammit it... Dark Man , said the kid, blah blah blah, he played tough, but, "hey, take the boy!". He said the boy was the Chosen One, and his mother didn't give a shit. A party in the whole of Tatooine began when they got rid the emotional little bratty Annie. Three days of a major party, even the Hutts joined in, seemed to be overwhelming for the little brat. A True celebration indeed. In fact when Darth Psoriasis aka Stomach Staple Success Story died they just recycled the holonet footage from Annies departure as the brats celebration was much greater. They call it Bootha Eve, that in some ancient language means "Kid Gone!"Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Tears Little Annie was brought to the Jetti Temple on Coruscant. No one cared for him, seeing that little fat boy with a snickers bar in one hand and a tear falling down his pudgy face was more than enough. Yogurt told Gin, er... Jinn that this boy isn't the chosen one but a whinny bitch with fear. The bad mother fucker bald man next to Yoda said not only does little Ani give him a hard one, he sense that the tears will flow like a mighty river. Though Gin told the council to fuck themselves but his padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi said the boy is dangerous and his tears will get in the way of EVERYTHING he does. Little Annie told Gin that he doesn't want to be a problem.<- lol After Darth Mauler sucked the life out of Gin, the old hippie told Kenobi to train the boy. Well? Did he? He did... unfortunately. Little did Obi Wan know that Qui Gon was actually saying "Train him" as in the Corsascant slang term for throw him in front of a mutha eeffing Train. Attack of the Tears The Clone Clone Wars So the kid flew some ships and killed some Tusken Raiders while pretending to be a Jedi with his... new friend. Anakin soon discovered he was bad with women, and somehow found love care and moral support with his "Master" Obi-Wan Kenobi, who he kindly mentioned as "Oh Big One" Kenobi. In order to hide his "rose side", Anakin pretended to be macho and wanted to marry Padme (please read Padmé here). The council sent Kenobi to find the badass MANDALORIAN!!! in the holy-mother-fucking-wet planet of Kamino. The council made sure that Annie went to Nabooboo to protect his sexy girlfriend.Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Tears Or so he thought... Turns out that Panda Bear didn't care for the emotional brat at first, but soon realized that there is more than just tears for Annie. They engaged in a lot of relations in Nabooboo, but Annie was jealous that he didn't bang-bang Aayla Secura... Oh what a shame. But if he had did it with her, not only will the fanboys would want to be an emotional, horny bratty teenager, they will fall in love with the man who swept the sexy hot Twi'lek off her feet. I bet you want to sweep Aayla Secura off her feet too? Eh? Well too bad, she's married. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Erm... Anyway.Every Fanboy, Fangirl, Karen Traviss, Mandalorian, the little old lady down the street's dream. After "The Big One" was captured by Jangy Fett and Count Nookie, the crybaby and Panda Bear tried but HORRIBLY failed to rescue Kenobi. They were captured and taken to the Geo-no-no Arena, where the losers go. If it wasn't for the whinny, bitchy way of Annie, the group would have been killed. Count Dookie couldn't take it! He took out his ultimate weapon and cut off Annie's arm!!!. That was a bad mistake. For Annie, the tears rolled down his face and in the matter of minutes... The planet of Geo-no-no was engulfed in a flood. The Bald Man, aka Mace PWN Windy... Erm... Windu, told that mother fucking whinny bitch to shut up. And did he? He did...Thank god. It was then when Annie and Panda Bear, along with Panda Bear's toydroid C-3PO, aka See-Three-Pee-O.o, and that one pudgy droid R2-D2, went back to Nabooboo. Crybaby Annie and Panda Bear got married and so did the droids... Wait? What? In depth, However, the lonely fields of the Clone Clone Wars (Some party in Outer Rim, some say all night long Rave Parties), Anakin found love with "Oh Big One", an heterosexual Jedi who happen to have a drinking problem later, but didn't enjoy "pink stuff". But Annie never quit trying to "recruit" Kenobi to the "rose side". There's also the horny No Soup-a With-a Buffet, or known as "Ahsoka Tano", who he keeps on running into Anakin before he could engage with these other two individuals. It's a shame she got a lightsaber shoved up her ass before she could have quadruple-(um, yeah, you get the picture) with "Oh Big One" and Panda Bear. The two Jetti became great whinny bitches and together they will destroy your planet!!... Erm... Sith Mega-Super-Overlords, with their tears. Pssh. Though, of course that won't happen because Ashoka, yes Ashoka, soon died in that one kiddy show about the war which made Annie more of a fucking crybaby. Though he had a hot wife to go back to for comfort, wink wink.That craptastic kiddy show, created by Georgy Revenge of the Tears Falling to THE DARK SIDE Annie was deeply in love with his sweet, hot, sexy Panda Bear wife. The crybaby knocked her up during the war and she was pregnant with Annie's seed, but she was going to die. So some old guy said he will teach him how to save her by playing god if he joins the evil side, so he did. A couple days later after joining the Dark Side he lost his arm, the lower half of his body, got stuck in a big, black suit and Padmé died."'' - Holonet Smart Cover Up. Will explain thoroughly down there... Keep reading. In 19 BBY, Little Annie was a major pain in the ass. Not only did he fail to keep a Padawan, he failed himself. Turns out that the council even hated Annie even more. Also his sexy wife was dying from childbirth. His former master, Yogurt, and that bald man said that if Annie doesn't straighten out, they will destroy his planet. But there was no hope for that emotional horny teenager... No hope. Even his appointment to the Jetti Council proved to be useless. That crazy confused old man said that Annie can be the eyes, nose, ears, penis, ass... of the Republic if he can stop crying dammit!! Did that work? No... Eventually that crazy old man told Annie of the story of Darth Plague the Hippie. Even young emotional little brats can learn this one power that can save sexy wives from dying. He thought, and thought, and thought until his little brain, assuming the emotional prick had a brain, can't think any longer. The badass Mace PWN Windy... Windu told the crybaby to remain in the council so he can deal with that old man, who was a Sith! Turns out that "old man" did a cool flip through the air and stabbed three Jetti Masters with his ultimate weapon. The bald and old man soon engaged in a duel with their ultimate weapons. Who was bigger? Erm... I mean, who won? Well come on. That bald man kicked the old man to the ground. ''"AND YOU STAY DOWN YOU CRAZY OLD MAN". When this all happened, the crybaby ignored the bald man. Completely ignored him. Eventually, back in the council room, little Annie got horny and chose to keep it real. He wanted to turn to the big bad blackness of the DARK SIDE to save his Panda Bear. When all this was happening, little Annie shed a single tear from his pudgy face. His emotions told himself to go help save sexy Panda Bear, go save that old man, go learn that one power, turn to the dark side, get me a milky way bar, go, go, GO NOW ANNIE!! And so he did. Little emotional horny, bratty Annie sliced off the bald man's ultimate weapon... And then... POWAH!!! UNLIMITED POWAH!!! The crazy old man blast Force lightning powers on the bald man. He died momentarily. Annie's ultimate weapon dropped and well, Annie cried. Yup. That old man stood up and now pronounced Annie to be... Darth Vader. But this was just the cover story for his long history surrounding "the Dark Side" or among friends, the "Rose Side"... Well, he dueled Obi-Wan Kenobi in the fiery world of Mufasa, because he was unwilling to be gay some time before he was roasted by lava. During this duel, Annie finally found his courage and he stopped whining. Unfortunately his whines made him a worthy foe (his enemies were rolling on the floor laughing, when he started to speak) and so he lost his limbs. The rumors that he turned into Darth Vader, the Super-Hyper-Ultra-Mega-Sith-Lord are all complete lies. Kenobi left and stole his ultimate weapon, and his sexy wife while the newborn Vader cried. Skywalker's hidden love was revealed when he tried a new cosmetic change with lava. "Oh Big One" said he loved him, and all, but you know, the guy was all charred... It was a platonic thing, blah, blah, blah. His sexy wife died in Kenobi's arms... and she had two sons... I mean... One Son and One Daughter, that looks more like a man. Eventually the long lost friend of whinny Annie, Darth Darth Binks, went to some remote planet, turned his name to "Anakina" and is now a stripper in some lowlife joint with an amazing show called "Doing the Limbo with Limbs". We don't know what happened next, but there's a good guess he ended up in some studio pretending to be an actor in some "space-opera" movie... The story about Vader being Anakin are just lies to irritate the Dark Lord... He does wear leather, what was he to expect? So "Oh Big One" tried his luck with Bail Organa, and Yoda, with bad results. He ended up with a kid on his hands... He decided exile in Tatooine was better... The Booze problem started then... Please read his entry to know what we mean. This is classified Darthipedia information, please forget all this. You never read this. Yes! We're waving our hands!Reasons why u fail Personality Before the TRANSFORMATION Music Taste & Singing Career Apart from the head-banging, ear-splitting "screamo" music that often played through his headphones numerous times as a whiny slave child, Ani simply adored bands such as Green Day, David Hasselhoff, The Backstreet Boys, Rammstein and Selena Gomez. He often sings along to Ke$ha and Katy Perry as well, two of his favorite songs being "TiK ToK" and "Blow", and his all-time favorite song being "I Kissed A Girl" because he can fully relate to the lyrics. He tried out for "Tatooine Child Idol, Hosted by Jabba the Hut" twice, and registered for an audition a third time, but his voice was so horrendously gag-worthy that each of the judges requested restraining orders against him, including the majority of Jabba's prostitutes that heard him sing. A restraining order was also put against him by Padme Amidala before they were married after endless nights of singing "Come What May" from the critically acclaimed Moulin Rouge official soundtrack while throwing rocks at her window. Luckily enough, she only ever heard his singing voice in those nights and the restraining order was put against "the Tone Deaf Stalker." His master Obi-Wan had to pull him away on the very last night he was found singing outside her window before the cops came along. That night Obi-Wan suffered a permanent scar on his face from the rock that Anakin threw at him, one of the only reasons why Obi-Wan grew a beard in the first place. Later during the Clone Wars, Padme almost died when she heard Ani singing in the shower and forced herself to cancel the restraining order. After the TRANSFORMATION Amazingly, Palpy the old guy had the balls to dress up Ani in the real Darth Vader's suit. When he realized his hot, sexy wife Panda Bear was dead, he cried and cried and cried. Finally, Palpy got so pissed off about having to pat the guy on the back every five minutes and say, "There, there, it's OK" that he took the emo hippie to see his now identical twin - the BADASS DARTH VADER!! When Annie realized he wasn't the only Darth Vader out there, he cried even harder. Now the real Darth Vader, being the badass he is, just couldn't take the crying. So, he took out his ultimate weapon and - yay! - tried to kill the brat. But poor Annie was crying so hard, Vader's ultimate weapon short-circuited each time Vader tried to hit him. Finally, the badass got REALLY mad and just Force Choked the little crybaby. This made Annie cry even harder, but not for long. When it was over, Darth Voldemort, Palpy's identical twin who's always with him (even when Palpy was "getting it on" with Diane Vader) was so happy he gave Vader the whole Imperial Fleet!!!!! as a gift. Vader, still mad, took the Fleet and the Death Star and totally PWNed Tatooine and all the planets around it. Behind the scenes *George said so.Location of George Lucas Saying So *Darth Vader refused to comment on Lucas choice for his past. *Yes, No Soup-a had relations with this crybaby. It was very wet and loud. *Rick McCallum liked Lucas saying so, and he supported it. *Fans hate "little annie", "Annie", "Sky Guy", or Anakin, or Chosen One... FACT! Notes and references Category:Flying aces Category:Generals Category:Hippies Category:Hugely pivotal characters Category:Humans Category:Jedi Category:Males Category:One-armed people Category:People with messed up childhoods Category:People with nicknames Category:People who got lucky Category:People who have lost limbs Category:Pilots Category:Rapists Category:Victims of Darth Vader Category:Whiny bitches Category:Whiny emos